I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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