Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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