dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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