I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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