Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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