I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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