Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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