u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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