i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
