Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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