I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
