it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
