I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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