this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
