Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
