did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
