I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
