I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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