She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
this is an emotional support booty call
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
