just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
