So drunk its hurt
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
