here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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