On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
well you can't waste a boner
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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