looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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