Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
