I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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