I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
