Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
