we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
