yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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