my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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