God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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