Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
