It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
