Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
