taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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