I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
