Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
