wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
