when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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