On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
