I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
They have beer where we have blood.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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