peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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