I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
