I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
