Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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