you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
