I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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