Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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