So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
