dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
