My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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