You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
