i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
