What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
