just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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